Dating Sucks!

It’s true and we all know it. You’re expected to go out into the world, meet some perfect stranger on your own, and work out whether or not to get married? Really? That’s the stupidest way to ensure the survival of a species as intelligent as ours (stop laughing) that I can think of.

I can’t prove it, but I’d bet good money (if I ever have any) that the phenomenon of dating is why divorce, single-parent homes, and decades-long non-committed relationships have proliferated over the last century. Sure, there’s still the conceit of “asking the woman’s father for her hand”, but even that doesn’t happen as much anymore.

Way back in the day, before computers and airplanes and electronic lights, we had courtship. Families would meet, talk over the issue, then see if these two crazy kids would work out together. If so? Wedding time! If not? We try again, no big deal. Big cities, small towns, rich, poor, none of that mattered. What mattered was that it worked. Dating? Not so much.

After a few minutes of research, I found that dating really didn’t start taking off until nearly the 20th century, thus making it yet another consequence of industrialization (stop screaming). In fact, it wasn’t considered a cultural norm until the 1920s. Yeah, some sticks in the mud (the type who almost always turn out to be right) poo-pooed it, but it was too late. Dating was here and the baby boom was about to send it to the moon!

And, really, who can blame them? After the Second World War, there were too many kids for parents to arrange anything, let alone a marriage. So, the kids dated. I can’t prove it, but I’d make another wager that the line between 1960s kids dating and the Sexual Revolution is straight and short.

Dating worked for the Boomers, and Gen X (and Y) had some success with it, too. But that success has faded to the point where Millennials and Gen Z kids aren’t even trying anymore. Why bother? It probably won’t work out and there’s a good chance of real trouble when it doesn’t. If we look at the problem and take a good look through history, how do we fix this?

Courtship! Duh! Weren’t you paying attention?

Small communities put young people in a room, then see who gravitates to whom. Two families conspire to put a son and daughter together at the dinner table. Send your boy to help do chores for the parents of the girl next door. There are ways to do this, people! And our ancestors knew it!

The first time I saw my wife, I knew that I would marry her. I knew it. God told me Himself. I just had to convince her. And, I did. Not by dating her, but by courting her.

Look, I did my best, OK? She still said yes.

Dating tells people to find someone perfect. That may not be the intentional message, but it’s what people inevitably hear. Courtship tells people to make it work with family’s help. It’s no coincidence that a strong connection to an established community (cough churches cough) have a tendency to build stronger marriages.

All of this is based on my observations over the decades, but it’s worth considering. Maybe young people need to stop looking for The One and, instead, ask their parents and friends for help finding one with whom they can work. Perfect is the enemy of Good and marriage is pretty damn good. Stop taking the wrong road to get there.